A Saint’s New Row of Hope
by BigGoliath26
Summary: It is often said that whenever we are faced with a new conflict that can change us, we tend to react either by: 1) Thinking things through, considering all the options and make a logical decision based on the information. Or 2) Rush headlong into the darkness, a kneejerk reaction based on emotion… And so it was with the Third Street Saints rushing into a new galaxy…
1. It’s Not Star Wars Without Text Crawl

SAINTS ROW

THE 5TH INSTALLMENT:

(Because after 2, The Third and, IV, I can't think of any other clever ways to say "5")

A SAINT'S NEW ROW OF HOPE

WAR!

Sorry, I didn't mean to yell there, just setting the tone here.

Wait… is this that "Fanfiction"? (groan) Fine, then. It's just that now you can't hear the epic "Also Sprach Zarathustra" from 2001: A Space Odyssey or not even the Star Wars theme.

What the… This is a Cross-over as well?! (sigh…) Goddamnit! This is going to be one those "Main Character falls in love with someone even if it doesn't make sense" or worse, a Cross-over where the story barely, if ever changes, like "Character from Universe A says something that Character from Universe B would have said anyways."

This is bullshit! I used to write the Text Crawl for the original Star Wars, then I had to write one for Spaceballs which at least was a good parody overall. Later I wrote one for Saints Row the Third which, if anything, was passible for a parody. But this is ridiculous and utterly stupid! I'm not doing it anymore!

One sec, getting a call… Uh huh… Yes… No, it's just that… Wait, REALLY?... Oh, ok… Sorry about that, Sir… Yes, I understand now… Thank you.

Ok, sorry for that outburst there. Wait, why am I writing down everything I'm saying? Ah, screw it. It's good writing, it shows the human side.

So… Let us continue our tale of epic proportions of two universes against all odds colliding with each other.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Oh, shit! We're almost out of time for the text crawl! Fuck!

Uh… OK! Yeah, somewhere else things are really shitty for the good guys, things sound desperate, show setting that the good guys may have a chance to win, something about hope from somewhere else. The passing line about the Third Street Saints…

Also, in the script, I'm somehow supposed to show that this story will only follow the Films rather than the Extended Universe for simplicity's sake, But I don't know how the fuck you write _that_ into a Text Crawl, so here you go, unedited.

 _("Explain that this story will only follow the films from the "Canon" Timeline and not the Legends Universe to keep things simple for now.")_

All right! That's it! Done! Where's my paycheck? I'm out of here! Good luck understanding this excuse of a story! GOOD-BYE


	2. WTF! FTL? WOW! OMG! FML

Victory parties are fucking awesome!

Okay, so maybe some context is needed here.

So, what exactly does the President/ Now-God Emperor for Life _do_ after taking over an entire empire that claims itself the most cultured and technology advances species in the known universe?

That was a rhetorical question. You naturally throw a kick-ass party celebrating your victory! And so it was with the Third Street Saints.

Though it wasn't official, once the liquor and other alien intoxicants showed up on the scene, that's when the party _really_ began…

The only thing that's not awesome are the morning afters. That's an understatement because sometimes they can fucking suck. Though thankfully, somehow by mixing alien medicine together, the Zin were able to cure simple things like the common cold and fix headaches with a simple pill (Which actually tasted pretty good, kinda like those packages of gummy bears.)

It kinda makes sense if you think about it. Zinyak may have been a sociopath on a galactic conquest for the universe's best and brightest for nothing more than a "collection." But by no means would anyone dare think of him as a barbaric animal. If you worked under Zinyak, you were guaranteed full health, dental, and life coverage. It's just that on a personal level, he did not care for your little, petty problems. Maybe that's why the Saints won. Because there was no "true" loyalty for Zinyak, no "band of brothers" where he would take a bullet for them as much as they would for him.

But anyways, I'm getting sidetracked from the story…

Once the morning-(well, in space there _is_ no day/night cycle.) Once the metaphorical morning rose, the Leader of the Third Street Saints awoke to multiple drinking canisters all around them, followed by a splitting headache.

"Oh… God." The Boss groaned, trying to move with as less pain as possible. _(What the fuck happened last night?)_ However, the Boss failed to notice the giant orb floating in front of it.

"GOOD MORNING, EMPEROR." The orb spoke in a monotone voice spooking the Boss.

"Emperor?" _(What the- oh right. Zinyak. But, what's with this fancy shit?) "_ CID, just call me 'Boss.' Quicker that way."

"OKAY, YOU WILL NOW BE REFERRED TO AS 'BOSS.' BOSS, PLEASE HOLD OUT YOUR HAND."

The Boss did so, with CID moving over the Boss' hand and dropping a small red pill into their hand.

"KENZIE WOULD WISH TO SPEAK WITH YOU ON THE BRIDGE AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE." The Boss now shallowing the pill. CID turning its chassis up and down looking at the leader of the Saints. "I WOULD RECOMMEND GETTING DRESSED BEFORE LEAVING THE ROOM."

"Ah, shit." The Boss looked down, and there was indeed only a birthday suit. "OK. I'll be there in a minute."

After getting dressed in the same old spacesuit for the last few weeks, the Boss left from… the washroom it turned out and headed straight into the bridge.

"Kenzie, you wanted to talk to me?"

"Boss. Good to see you're up and about now. I wanted to talk to you about what happens next."

"What do you mean?"

"It's no secret. We're obviously time travelling. But I was talking to Zinjai. You know, the butler?" The Boss nodded "Well, according to Zinjai, while they were able to create a time travelling machine. It's apparently extremely dangerous to time travel and… well, travel at the same time. Looking at the Zin database, there were records of prototype time machines that are currently lost in deep space now… along with their volunteers."

"So, what can we do then?"

"Either we try to find the position of Earth before it was atomized, or we time travel now, then try to find Earth. No matter which you choose, we'll have to make sure that we time travel well before the Saints were a thing. Hell, even before Stilwater was founded. Time Paradoxes and all that…" Kenzie, waved her hand around, trying to keep things simple.

"All right Kinzie, how soon can we get back to where Earth was?"

"Well, considering how long it took to overthrow Zinyak, adding the time spent in the Simulation, compare that with the propulsion properties of Zin technology in the mothership, balance that out with our ship's maximum output and that's not even accounting the…"

At this point, Kinzie's technobabble turned from somewhat understandable into gibberish; while conveniently at the same time, the Boss's started to go into the thousand-yard stare as their mind started to trail off into some random shit.

 _(God, this is taking so long. I wonder where we should travel to? Egypt? Nah, too hot and all that sand will get up in my crotch… Well, I never was a fan of the beach, the sand is coarse, rough and it gets everywhere._ "Boss?" _Oh my god, did I just reference those shitty prequels? Liquor couldn't save those movies. Liquor… Man, that party was bad-ass! Weird they didn't have any food there. I'm hungry. Damn, I am just craving a Freckle Bitch's right now._ "Boss!" _Maybe I should invest in that back in the past. Wait a minute… I can invest in Apple! Nah, sounds boring.)_

"BOSS!" This finally brought the Boss back to reality as shown by a few blinks as Kinzie finished her calculations.

"The best-case scenario? 20 years. If we got _one_ detail wrong… make that _50_ total."

Behind the Boss, there was a collective groan behind them, the rest of the Saints had gathered up in the bridge sharing the painkillers to each other

"Are you serious? Isn't there any other way that's faster? Because Kinzie, I respect your wo-"

"You don't respect me." Kenzie said flatly, without even missing a beat from her work. Followed by collective "ooh" with a small "damn…" from the Saints.

Caught off-guard, The Boss quickly got back to their statement.

"Uh… Ha-ha, you're funny Kinzie… But seriously, is a faster way back to Earth? Because I don't know if you couldn't tell, but there is no way any of us is staying on this ship for 20 years, let alone 50."

"(sigh) We _could_ attempt the one thing that the Zin said to be a bad idea and try to time travel _while_ traveling, but…"

"Perfect idea. Let's go with that right now. Saints, start packing things up and get ready to go home." The Boss walking out the bridge and pointing at things that needed to be done.

Kenzie stuffed her face in her hands "We're all going to die…" And then got right back to working on her computer as if that mini-breakdown never happened.

After a few hours packing everything as safely as they can and setting the calculations, Kenzie called the Boss back to the bridge. But before that, the Boss decided to speak to all the members of the crew through the intercom for one last speech just to make sure everyone's on the same page.

"Saints. Homies. Friends. Before we do this, I would like to just take a moment to thank all of you for being on this journey with me. We've been through our good days. We've been through some really shitty days. We laughed, cried, bled, panicked, and killed together. But at the end of our journey, I just want to say… I am so proud of everyone here. I am proud of everything we've accomplished. Now let's go home."

"Hmm. For a moment there, that actually sounded sincere."

"I was serious. You guys are practically family now. Being the last survivors of humanity kinda does that to you."

The Boss stood in between Keith and Kenzie. A captain ready to bring their troops home.

"Before we do this," Kinzie started, "I just like to point out that this is one of the dumbest ideas we've ever had. But considering everything, we've ever done… That's not saying a lot."

"I absolutely agree with that." The Boss, still staring out into the distance.

"I second that notion." Keith said in the co-pilot seat adding his two cents.

The Boss put their hand on Kenzie's shoulder.

"Kenzie…"

She looks over her shoulder towards the Boss.

"Punch it."

Kenzie, sighing to herself shaking her head one last time, pushed the lever forward.

Suddenly, it felt like gravity just turned sideways as both Kenzie and Keith were launched from their seats, and while the Boss wasn't tossed around, the force of the travelling ship pushed the Boss back to the door

Everything onboard that wasn't strapped down was thrown to the back of the ship, the couch from the cargo bay immediately hitting the bay doors. The pool table in the lower floor tipping over and slamming against the wall. The Simulation chairs swinging up to the ceiling. Even the Container housing the giant robot/power armor tipped over, pulling wires and slamming into the floor That also included every _one_ as well.

Matt and Asha were standing on the crosswalk above the cargo bay talking about how they plan to set things in motion to prepare for the Zin. Now Matt was hanging on the railing for dear life with Asha holding on his foot not wanting to fall and/or be crushed by the pile of stuff gathering at the back.

Gat was working at the table sharping his knife, now slammed against the wall surrounded by weapons with his own blade stuck in the wall beside his own neck.

Shaundi relaxing at the console where "Fun" Shaundi lived talking to each other about their plans, now hanging on one of the Simulation chairs while "Fun" Shaundi screaming "What's going on?!"

CID hovering in place calculating the odds of succe-, now considering its probability of survival as it's hull now pressed against the walls showing strain on its body.

Ben Peirce playing one last game of "Space Pool," now trapped by the same pool table against the wall trying to push it off to no avail.

Both Kenzie and Keith were flat against the wall, the only difference being while Keith was now unconscious, Kenzie fought to keep her eyes open, knowing the Boss is the only one who can stop this ship safely.

Out of instinct, the Boss struggled foot-by-foot towards the controls, the only thought _"Stop This Ship!"_ running through their head, screaming to themselves as if that would somehow help in this situation. The Boss got closer and closer, each step somehow feeling more difficult than the last.

Nearly at the controls, the Boss looked out into space and at the stars noticing how the stars are flying by all around them. Dots turning into lines, it was a path that almost felt hypnotizing… kind of like a tunnel … or a gate. A Stargate…

 _Meanwhile, on Earth..._

AUGUST 15, 1977; OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY

 _hhhhuuuuummmmmbbbuuuuuuzzzzzzz…_

 _RRRIIIINNNNGGGGGG!-hhhuuummmmn…_

[6-E-Q-U-J-5]

 _WOW!"_

 _Back in the Present…_

"Boss! That lever…" Kenzie called out, trying to help however she could.

As if the ship had a mind of its own, it felt as if it had gone faster then ever before. The Boss now knocked down by the kinetic force is forced to crawl inch-by-inch…

Once the Boss got to the controls, it became an uphill battle as the Boss couldn't stand and had to use the chair which kept spinning around.

Reaching the lever, the Boss got a finger hooked. Now two. The rest. Finally, the thumb.

"PULL IT!"

"RRRRAAAAAUUUGGHHHH!" One last scream from the Boss as…

Yank! The lever controlling the speed now pulled towards the Boss, pulled with too much power as the switch was now laying on the floor, wires frayed and sparks coming out.

"HHHHUUUMMmmmmmm…" A low hum could be heard throughout the ship as the engines powered down, while unbeknownst to anyone else other systems were powering down as well

"Crash!" "Bang!" "Clatter, clatter…" As the ship still needed time to entirely stop, you could overhear things smashing into the ground.

There was a minute of silence as everyone on board took a minute coughing and catching their breath, then finally the Boss asked what everyone else was thinking.

"What…(huff) the fuck…(puff) just happened? (huff, puff)"

"I think… when we travelled… while time travelling… we broke FTL speeds…"

The Boss finally got their breath back. "Ok… I'll pretend like I understood what the hell that meant. I'm going to go check on everyone."

The Boss gets up and stumbles over to Keith and checks his pulse. Small bumps could be felt in a rhythmic pattern.

"Good… Hopefully, everyone else is okay." The Boss continues to stumble towards the door, tripping over themselves at one point having to lean against the wall for a second. "Once you're better, check how the ship is doing and make sure we're not going to die because we're out of oxygen or something."

Kenzie just nodded, too shaken to be annoyed at the Boss' ignorance, got up and headed to various consoles to check the systems.

After all the shock had worn off, each of the Saints took some time to themselves and shock off the dust. Apparently, traveling while time traveling _is_ dangerous, but for the most part, everyone came out without any serious injuries. As the Boss was checking on everyone, the intercom rang.

"Uh, Boss? You need to see this… _NOW!_ " Kinzie's voice rang through the ship that clearly sounded like panic

"Ok, Saints! While I'm with Kinzie trying to see what's up, I need everything sorted out to make sure nothing important is broken."

Each of the Saints nodded and split off into different rooms while the Boss headed to the bridge.

"Do you recognize _any_ of these stars?" Kinzie asked, with a growing worry in her voice

"Well, of course! I remember _that_ star when I was a kid, there's _that_ one and… ooh! _That_ one over there, I've always loved."

"BOSS! Now's not the time to be an asshole! I'm serious though, I don't recognize any of these stars. I don't even see any familiar constellations around us. This isn't making any sense…"

The rest of the Saints started arriving at the bridge each with panicked expressions on their face each them bringing something to the list of shit gone wrong.

"Boss, we have a situation, our Navigation Systems are out, and when I went to check the engines, they're all down!" "It's not just the Navigation Systems, it's like all the systems are down, and I can't bring them back online." "You're not going to like this Boss, but your badass power armor? That's wrecked, too." "I've got bad news as well, I went to go check the robot to see if it still runs, all the circuitry's fried. I couldn't get it to take one step, never mind the guns working and we didn't think to grab spares." "All the Zin weaponry's fried too, the only guns that still work are Johnny's .45's." Voices were all around the Boss as each layer of bad news piled on top of each other.

"Uh, Boss?" The last one from Kenzie as she was staring out the front window.

"WHAT!?" The Boss snapped. "Everything on this ship is totally fucked right now, what else could happen?!"

"…We're getting an incoming transmission…"

It was at this point the Boss finally turned to look outside to notice the colossal pizza slice shape of a ship. And none of those cannons onboard looked friendly at all…

"(sigh) Fuck me."

 _Somewhere else..._

"Oh…" An old man's head started throbbing

"Are you okay?" Someone younger asked as they travelled together

"Yes, yes… I just sense a strong disturbance, it's strange but strong none the less" The Old Man reassuring the Young One as he slightly turned his head towards the stars pondering…


End file.
